The Flight of the Hormones

Last week, the day after the ultrasound and telling you guys, I began having extreme panic. It was the same way with Ivy. When I could pretend that I wasn't pregnant, I was fine. But with each milestone like heart tones, ultra sounds and time, you start to identify more. And the risk of what you could lose it more extreme. I've been a basket case.

On Wednesday night I'd worked myself up into such a tizzy. I kept looking at the beer fridge and the cupboard where I keep my tranquilizers. Knowing that I could feel better if I would just ingest either of them was a huge temptation. I honestly went to each door at least once and held the item that I'm not supposed to have. Torture. And then I started to feel trapped and not myself and it got worse. I didn't take either of them.

I went to counseling the next day and told her how rough the previous nite was. I asked her if she thought that I was an alcoholic or an addict. She smiled. She said, "Karianne, your mind knows that those 2 items are certain help. You are not an addict. You were trying to care for yourself as you have in the past, but couldn't. We have to find other things now for you to cope." And then we came up with a list of things to do when my worry takes hold and won't let go.

The most helpful thing that she taught me was something she called the "flight of the hormones in pregnancy". She said that in the first trimester progesterone is in large amounts. That is the hormone that makes us feel anxiety and pregnancy symptoms. Think a bad episode of PMS. It is the same one that comes into play when you are on an airplane as it is started on the runway, take off, and the climbing altitude. At that point, you are strapped in, anxious and you are very aware of the dangerous situation that you are in. (White knuckles)

During the second trimester, estrogen rises and progesterone lowers. This is the time when women feel less aware of the pregnancy and are able to get on with their lives to get ready for the baby. The symptoms lessen, the anxiety gets much better and at times you can forget that you are pregnant. Kind of like in an airplane when you are flying calmly. Watching the movie, talking, eating. There are times that you forget you are up in the air, traveling fast.

Third trimester the progesterone starts to rise again. You feel yucky and worried and anxious again. Your body starts to get ready to deliver and feed the baby. Just like the descent of an airplane until you are at a full stop.

I have thought about this scenario a lot in the last 24 hours. It has brought me so much comfort to view my feelings as chemicals instead of random thoughts. I wish that I would have known this before!