Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
Thursday, December 4, 2008
I'm not that woman that feels that I need to FEEL labor to feel empowered. I would have elected to have a csection the first go around, but I didn't feel comfortable enough with the whole process to push my case. I do remember asking for an epidural pre labor, in a devised only for me backpack form. My midwife didn't go for it, but did tell me that I could have an epidural any time that I wanted after I was admitted. Yeah, she's that cool.
This time, I knew that I did not want to try a BVAC, so I just said, "Schedule me." And they did. Since I am the definition of high maintenance, I see both my midwife and my OB on a regular basis.
I see my OB regularly on a personal/professional basis. When I saw her last week, she took a gander at my waddle and asked, "Aren't you on my surgery schedule in 5 weeks?" Sure am, I said. "Well, I'm not sure if you're gonna make it til then." She says.
She then asks, "Why did we section you with Ivy? I don't remember." I then went on to tell her that I thought that it was because I just couldn't get the hang of labor or of pushing. I really did think that it was something disfunctional with my abilities. Then, in one of the most affirming, healing sentences that redeemed 5 years of guilt at being sucky at labor, she told me, "Well, I highly doubt that! Sue (my midwife) and I try absolutely everything that we can before we section someone. It wouldn't be because you weren't pushing properly. It had to be something physical before we took the scalpel to you."
How cool was that???
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
The one of the left was in mid November, Chris had bought me a new hat that is just adorable. The one on the right is on Halloween with Ivy being Dorothy and me being Pregnant Rizzo from Grease!
Monday, December 1, 2008
Had to work at daycare to get out state bills. Got a phone call from the spa, reminding me about a spa package I said that I'd do which was supposed to start in 10 minutes. Didn't finish bills and they'll just have to wait.
Road construction is now right in front of our drive.
It's Chris' birthday.
My sis in law called in tears because of my inconsiderate in laws.
And I love mondays, don't ya know!
Miss you all. Miss reading about your lives. Missing so many things right now. My feet included.
Hey Anne, thanks for the "tiny" comment. But did you see my face?
Sunday, November 30, 2008
And here is the proof! This pic was taken today for Chris' birthday lunch at Red Robin. I'm huge. Not being able to walk will do that to you.
Turn away if you don't want to join the whinefest.
I have had a cough and sore throat for over a week. I still can't walk, sit, or stand without pain. I will be groveling at the feet of my midwife this week to see if I can do my c-section any earlier. I cry every single day. I started leaking breast milk a couple of days ago. I feel like a polluted fish bowl.
Hendrix is doing great. Moving constantly all over the place. Ivy is getting super excited. Becken knows something is up and has started regressing, which is actually adorable. And Chris is really starting to realize that this huge bump is his teeny tiny son.
The gifts have started to show up and a couple of girlfriends are throwing me a shower on the 14th. I really doubt that I'm going to make it til then.
One day at a time.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Today was very nice though. I stayed in bed on my side until 3 pm. Chris is on vacation and I just totally checked out of the daily routine. When I woke up, we finally went shopping for a "coming home" outfit for Hendrix which has been making my life jittery for a week or so.
And through it all, it is still worth it. Regardless, it is worth it. I'd rather feel like this, than not be pregnant with this beautiful boy. Even through the physical and mental pain, this has been such a gift of redemption. I think about Becken's Africa mommy and I shut my mouth. I am so lucky.
47 days to go.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
My midwife's office is also my ob/gyn's office. Practically half of the staff are clients of mine, so when I found out that they had finally gotten their new 3D/4D ultrasound machines, I was hoping that they would remember me when training time rolled around. And they did! We got some really neat shots of Hendrix during both visits. I think that they are so much better than the ones that I paid an arm and a leg for.
Hello Cutie Pie
Hendrix at 30 weeks
Monday, October 20, 2008
And this guy is a kicker. Ivy was more of a spinner. I would call her my little ballerina. This one already wants to play "kung fu" with his siblings. (See photo below of their nightly tournaments)
Last night I took my final dosing of the BV meds and I think that I'm slowly on the mend. Yesterday along with working and going grocery shopping, I was tylenol free all day. Today Ivy and I were able to take a 5 block walk to the movie store, which in my mind was comparable to doing a marathon last week. I'm also considering the fact that 2 days of Chris doing primary parenting has left me well equipped to handle things. I'm not jinxing myself. We're taking it one day at a time!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I got on the horn to my midwife's assistant and told her that there had to be something more that we could do, because I was beginning to panic. She got me in to see Sue this morning.
And, now we find out the majority of the problem. A bacterial infection. I had these before with Ivy, but not like this. So, there was more than one thing going on. I left the office with an rx for the intra vag. gel, an rx for a belly support belt (which my insurance refused to cover), and a note saying that for every 30 minutes to an hour that I'm up, I need to alternate that with sitting or laying down. Yeah! I also had my hips and pelvis adjusted by my new chiro that works on preggos like me. He warned, "I was conservative in your adjustment, but you will be sore tomorrow." What else is new? At least it will be a different sore.
I feel much better tonight. Not physically, mind you, as my tx hasn't started, but mentally, knowing that feeling better is in my grasp. Sue said that after the rx is complete, I should feel much better, but not 100% since Hendrix really is low. But, she said that as far as being debilitating, it would be more of a day to day issue depending on him and my uterus. Good news. I can't wait to get back to this perfect pregnancy! This little blip has went on long enough!
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Tonight I was online looking for any type of relief, and what I read pretty much scared the wits out of me! Things like, bedrest, crutches and a wheelchair until delivery. Of course, there are less drastic approaches to try first, but YIKES!
So I'm trying to grin and bear it as Sue told me I should. And guess what? In all reality, that is my only choice as Chris heads back to work tomorrow and Bec starts soccer this week. These poor kids. Just dealing with me on the limited basis that they had to this weekend has them seeing their mama in a new light.
Wish me, and them, luck!
And putting it in perspective at this point, I'm still enjoying being pregnant. Maybe I can get used to this?
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
I've been thinking a lot more about breastfeeding him. I nursed Ivy through thick and thin, while I should have been on my meds instead. Of course, it is easy to look back and judge yourself, but life would have been much easier to take care of myself first, then focus on her needs. Live and learn, I thought.
Well, more and more, I'm thinking that I might just breastfeed while I'm in the hospital recovering from the section. If I keep feeling this great throughout the end days of the pregnancy, I might just give it a whirl.
But, if I feel those icky, depressing, anxious feelings creeping up on me, I hope that I will do what I need to keep all of us nurtured. One day at a time.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
This past week I have worked quite a bit more and kept up my treadmill walks but still feel amazing. By about 700, I'm done standing. You will find me in a chair with my feet propped up on my exercise ball. Around that time the soreness and heaviness in my pelvis and back are starting to make me aware that the little fish is getting bigger.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
First on the list today was to see his face. No go. The little one was totally buried in the placenta, snuggled in and wasn't going to look at us at all. Then when he did turn, he decided that he wanted both hands and one foot in front of his face. Along with his cord that was his security blanket. But showing the boy parts? Oh, not a problem today! He was a flasher extraordinaire.
Then, at the VERY end of my 30 minutes, who decides to turn? And give a huge yawn? And show off? Yep, my 3rd little turkey that only grudgingly cooperates after Mama cajoles and persuades and pleads. At least I know what I'm getting into, since I've already done it twice before.
Here are the last 2 pics out of something like 90. Goodness.
Pretty cute, I think that he kind of looks like a baby dinosaur. If I can figure out how to upload the little yawn part onto youtube, I'll send it along. I really don't think that you want to see the whole 30 minutes of his back!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
My mom and sis are coming with me and that will be much better than our last u/s where Chris and the kids came with me. I would not recommend that idea to anyone.
I've heard that the office where I am having it done is really nice, as it should be because this thing is costing me an arm, a leg and then some.
I hope to be sharing some more Hendrix photos with you all when I get back. I need to go drink some more water.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Today also marked the last day of the at-home bikini wax. As I had to lift my belly out of the way to see where the wax was needed. It was more difficult than I expected, but I'm glad that it is done.
Since I couldn't take a tranquilizer, I took my relaxation cds. The hygenist was very nice, but it was one of the roughest cleanings I have ever had. I'm still sore and can only imagine what it will be like tomorrow. They said that I have pregnancy induced gingivitis and that could be why everything was more sensitive. Plus, I was drug free, which really sucked. I'm still shocked at myself for keeping the appointment.
Otherwise, no cavities, which is huge. After I had Ivy, I had 7 cavities. Yep, I sure wasn't proud of that accomplishment. At least I'm not headed down that road again!
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Hendrix John Thomas Murphy.
I left this one on it's side so I could explain it better. At 12 oclock you can see his nose, nostrils, lips and chin. Just like he is looking straight at you. He has a hand under his chin.
Friday, August 8, 2008
There was a time while I was still grieving that my visits from dad in my dreams went away. And I reeled from the loss. I missed him so much, and then to miss him in my dreams was like salt in the wounds.
But now my dad has come back to me. I wake up smiling from seeing him. And he is always smiling and happy too. It had been a very long time since I had seen him that way before he got sick and died.
My Nana will be 90 this weekend. She reminds me of the Natalie Merchant song, "Wonder". I love my Nana. But anyone turning 90, reminds me of how much time has been stolen from me and my kids having their own grandparent.
I miss him. Maybe I'll go take a nap.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Sunday, August 3, 2008
"Whatever you want to say about me, go look at my kid...I don't think any child has ever been more wanted. And I don't think that any parents have wanted to f*ck up less."
This is exactly how I feel about each of my kids. I have always admired Courtney and felt so badly for her dealing with her drug addiction. That quote really hit home to me.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
This week I had to escape from the in-law infestation, but mostly from Chris, so I had a night out with some of my girls.
On her way to meet me and some friends for dinner, my sis had to take my niece home. She told my niece that she was meeting me and some friends for drinks. My niece came unglued and said that I can't be drinking because I'm pregnant. My sis said that she was sure that I would have a soda or something besides alcohol. My niece then quietly said, "Drinking is very bad for the baby." She's 10.
Then my nephew called my sis to see if he could do something with his friends. He asked what she was doing. She said, "I'm out with Auntie and some friends." He then comes unglued and says, "Auntie cannot be drinking. Is Auntie drinking? She is pregnant and can't be drinking." My sis told him to relax and the I was having a virgin pina colada, just like he has at dinner. He's 15.
The eyes are everywhere.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
I've had a week of inlaws. Chris and I are being very careful with each other to avoid any meltdowns. What is that saying about fish and company? So true.
Please send sleeping vibes to my babes tonight so mama can get some rest!
Monday, July 28, 2008
So, this is how I handled the situation. I told her that in a couple of weeks Daddy and Mommy are going to the doctor to see if there is a baby in there. We think that there is a baby in there, but we have to go to the doctor to see for sure. And if there is one in there, they will tell us if it is a brother or a sister.
Then she said that she wants another baby brother. Because she is already a girl. We'll have to see how that one is going to go over.
Last week I asked her if she got a new baby dolly what would she want it's name to be? She then said that the only name she likes is Ivy. And Sunshine because she already has a doll named Sunshine. I think that she didn't really catch the drift of that inquiry. I then said, "Do you like Paisley? Do you like Patience? Do you like Juniper? (those are all names that we are thinking of for girls) She says, "Mom, I told you. I only like Ivy." Well then.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
The second blood results will be compared with the first ones taken three weeks ago and will let us know the statistical risk of Downs. Since the nuchal scan can normally detect upwards of 70% of these cases, I'm feeling comforted. She said that no news is good news and the results should be back after a week.
She was extremely pleased that I had gained a pound from 3 weeks ago. Hopefully that will continue. She also said that Ivy, Chris and I can play tennis as long as I don't get too hot or winded. She said that competitive tennis is out, but since I don't play competitive tennis I don't think that I will be missing out. Bec will be disappointed as he doesn't like going to the courts, but he'll come around.
A cool happening at the appointment was that the nurse could not find the heartbeat at first. I told her, "Try it lower, that is normally where it hangs out." And there it was, right where Mama could feel it. Of course, it booked off right away. She said, "Wow, this one is a mover. Ya know, the old wive's tale says that an active baby is a boy." Chalk up another vote for the blue team.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Allow Me to Introduce
I'm putting this up on all my blogs. Enjoy. It just gets better every time you read it.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Chris finally told his dad and stepmom about the new baby coming. They were over and admiring the new car, which is something that I find odd in the first place, but people are different.
We were out on the front porch and Chris said, "Well, there's a reason why we needed a bigger car." I then smoothed down my shirt to show the bump. His step mom said congratulations and gave me a hug. Chris' dad said, "Don't you guys watch television?" Then they laughed. Then his dad said, "And what about after this one?" Chris said, "I'm making a doctor's appointment!" In all honesty, they were more excited about the car. Seriously, some peoples' priorities.
When we came inside I asked Chris if his parents think that we have too many kids. He said that he didn't think so and that his dad didn't mean anything by what he said. I'm thinking in my head, "Hell, you think 3 is a lot of kids? I'll show you a lot of kids by the time I'm done!!" Yeah, I"m that mature.
Chris is the baby out of 4 kids. So far, he is the only one that is married and the only one that has kids. I guess that really does make him an oddity with his folks. But his oldest brother and girlfriend are expecting this fall. When I think back to the reaction they got, it makes me mad.
And, Chris still hasn't told his mom. I told him tonight that the longer he puts it off, the worse it is going to be. She is now the last to know. He says that he doesn't want to put up with her shit and that she will make it all about her and cry and throw a fit. Nice, just like she did with Ivy. She just didn't acknowlege Bec until he was in her face.
Bottom line is that I hate it that people can act like this, yet at the end, still take all of the credit and the glory. My family is there for us in any way shape or form and has been since the beginning of time. (Well, maybe not my mom from the very beginning, but she has more than made up for it) But, oh, when the baby is born, they are all there acting like it was their idea for us to have another. Pisses me off. But, more and more I realize that no matter how much I wish that it was different, life isn't fair. Growing up is hard. F*** 'em. (Ah, that feels better!)
Worry wart that I am, I was on the phone the first day that the mild contractions started. I mean, hey, I just turned 15 weeks today. Well, my midwife said, "normal, normal normal! Especially with the second pregnancy you feel everything sooner and more than the first." She also said that when they start and keep going I'm supposed to drink a glass of water and lie down with my feet up until they stop. Great advice as I have had to do this every day this week.
Between my uterus and this little fishy there is a lot of moving around down there. When I walked into the office this week, my brother said, "God K, what are you pregnant or something?" I was totally showing. I told him about the baby moving around so much. He cringed. Wuss.
Lastly, I have got to eat more. I went down a pound from my last visit. But I think that has been because I'm moving around so much, not laying on the couch all sick-y. Making up for lost time. But, no fear! This weekend we have a festival to go to with wonderful food and another wedding reception. Oh, little swimmer just flipped a hello to you all!
Isn't that baby on the ticker creepy?
Friday, July 4, 2008
I told Chris, my mom and my sis. Chris said, "are you sure?" My mom and sis said, "I'll bet. You can always feel the second one sooner and it is rough to mix it up with anything else once you have felt it."
I felt it again last night while I was driving. And then once when I was laying down this afternoon.
Once again, I had thought that this trimester would have me forgetting I was pregnant. Once again, little fish has decided to make it's presence known. Once again, I think I have a little drama babe in there. Like mama, like fishy!
Sunday, June 29, 2008
We got a new car last week to accomodate the growing group of children in this place. 7 seats! Yeah! I can fill those seats with my eyes closed and the help our our adoption agency.
Last night at the reception Chris was showing his sister and her bf the new car. When I was dancing with one of Chris' step sisters, he FINALLY told his sis that we are expecting. He hadn't told anyone yet. That is so difficult when all my fam knows but his doesn't.
I told Chris last week that I was starting to show. He so did not believe me. HA!
I asked him why he ended up telling her last night. He said, "Um, while you were dancing with Tracy looking all pregnant, I had to say something!" I said, " I TOLD YOU I was showing!!" He got a big smile on his face and said, "Yeah, you really are." HA!
I guess that he said to them, "So, I guess you know why we need a bigger car." His sister started laughing and said, "As soon as you two walked in, I wanted to say, ' How far along are you guys?' Then my bf said something, but we just decided to keep our mouths shut until one of you said something."
I knew I was showing.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
You are looking at my favorite pre pregnancy purchase, my main dress for the summer. I wore it last month in our home town to a wedding reception. The above pics are from tonight where we had to go to a neighboring town for a wedding reception. Next month we have another wedding reception in another town and I'm hoping to wear it then too. It will be interesting to see if I can still zip the zipper and breathe. Yeah, breathing would be a bonus.
We were staring into a 90 + degree sun in these photos. Regardless, I'm so missing my Botox. Did you know that you can't do Botox while you are pregnant? Ah, the sacrifices I make for these kids. So not only do I feel older than the hills, my skin around my eyes looks it!
PS. We had fun at the reception and I did not expect to. Love that!
This pregnancy has brought forth such passionate opinions that I'm surprised. And, the funny thing is that I have no clue. When I was pregs with Ivy, I KNEW she was a girl from the get go. This one, I have absolutely no feeling either way.
I have a girlfriend who is very intuitive and she came up to me yesterday and said, "This one is a girl". I have a tendency to think that she will be the one that is correct, but you know how that goes! Most everyone else (sister, sis in law, cousin, therapist) feels like it is a boy.
I had a dream last night that we had a girl. We were in the delivery room and for some reason in my dream we hadn't found out the sex yet. When they pulled her out of me, they said, "It's a girl!" and we were all happy.
We are finding out when we get the chance. I'm a need to know kind of gal as you all are well aware!
So, what is your vote?
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Little one looks great! Kept doing backspins and being a wiggle worm the whole time. Seems it will fit in with brother and sister just fine with all of the activity going on in there.
Hopefully next u/s we will get to see what we are having!
Sunday, June 22, 2008
I was looking thru an old Oprah magazine today and a small photo in a photo collage caught my eye. It was a pic from the early 80s or late 70s of a mama in a hospital bed, holding her newborn son.
Something about the image stopped me. I turned back and looked at it and thought, "Awwww." And then, slowly, a thought came to me. I might be in a situation like that at the end of this year. That could be a photo representation of me. Wow. Maybe I am processing this a bit better than I thought.
Recently, when I see a newborn in person, I automatically turn my head. I can't even look. My friend's son is still an infant. I coo over him. I love him. I buy things for him. But I don't touch him. If I have to hold him, I hand him back quickly. It is too much, too soon. He reminds me of what all of this pregnancy stuff is all about. It's a lot to feel. Especially with his sweet smell and his tiny perfectness.
When he had troubles with seizures a couple of weeks after his birth, I was terrified. I kept thinking, but he's perfect. He's here. And then, my shadow side said, "Babies die everyday Karianne. You know this. He is not safe." And all of my fears were back.
I detached so completely when I was pregs with Ivy. The concept of losing her was too huge, so I unconsciously decided to not engage the whole time. Everything was last minute. My bag was packed while I was in labor. The crib set up the week before, not a bit sooner. Absolutely no pregnancy articles, shows, magazine, books or images. And, when it was all said and done, I never thought that she would be born alive. Or if she was, that she would die before I brought her home. I never made that pregnancy=baby connection. I had up too many safeguards to keep myself from not going insane.
This time, I still have my arms crossed. Not open yet. But, that small little photo was a little prod for me to consider a different outcome. Astoundingly, I may be that woman. I've walked the walk for 12 weeks.
Now, lets just see how Wednesday's u/s goes.
And my infection is much better. Yeah!
I'm taping that pic to my desk. Positive reminders are good.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
My midwife called in an antibiotic for me to pick up tomorrow. I so hope that it works. Besides having allergies to about every scent, did you know that I am allergic to penicillin, erythromyacin and sulfa antibiotics? Holy.
But all of this pales in comparison to my worries about what this is all doing to the fetus. So many meds. No food. Poor little thing.
I think that I'm about to put myself on bedrest! Of course Ivy has swim lessons and tennis lessons this week. Of course. I'm off to the tub.
Monday, June 16, 2008
So, we are going to try to get out of this without antibiotics. Which at this point means, rest, fluids, tylenol sinus and hot packs to my face.
I had no idea how effective over the counter meds can be. The tylenol has made me feel somewhat better.
Being pregnant throws so many things into an event. Normally, I have my self care, doctor visit routines down in cases like this. But being pregnant throws all of that out of the window. I end up looking at the little tub of Vaporub and think, "Am I supposed to use this now?" It puts a question mark on everything.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
I've been keeping this quiet for a few days because I don't want to jinx myself. I think that I may have mentioned something to Carrie, but that's about it. So, the big news? I think that I'm feeling better!
Monday I felt so so. And I mentioned this improvement to my siblings. But then Tuesday was horrible and I decided to keep my mouth shut after that. Wednesday was pretty good, Thursday not so, but yesterday I went until about 1130 pm without feeling nauseous! And today I have done really well with some twinges of ickiness, but nothing like before. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me! I have even worked out twice this week and went swimming today. Ah, I like having me back. Even if it is hit and miss. I was missing myself.
Still no appetite to speak of, but since I feel better, it is so much easier to force myself to eat. I almost ate a half of a pint of strawberries (strawbabies) on my own today along with a roll, some crackers and cheese, and a few noodles. Amazing! I might even have Chris make me an egg tonight to up the protein intake for today.
Tomorrow Chris will be celebrating his father with a bbq at his dad's house that I will be skipping because of the meat. Steaks. Don't think that I can even think about going there yet! And, since Chris is still all hush hush about the pregnancy, they would be trying to force feed me and I'd end up getting frustrated. My siblings and I are going to try to get together to celebrate my stepdad at about the same time as the bbq so it won't be too obvious that I'm missing from Chris' dad's celebration.
I cooked a dinner for Chris tonight for his father's day and tomorrow will give him gifts and maybe go to breakfast depending on when the kiddos wake up. I bought him a Tiger Woods golf game that he wanted and an ice cream maker. I think that he will like them both.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
You have no idea how awful I felt after encountering you in public recently. I am hoping to give you the benefit of the doubt, so I am writing this pleading, educational letter to clue you in to some thing that you did that you might not view as rude and far reaching as it was/is.
In shortened terms, you stink. Not in a b.o. type of way, but in the perfume-y type of way. Lady at Borders, I had to stand 2 people lengths away from you to breathe without coughing and having my eyes water. Then I had to get out of line all together. Girls, all you did was pass by me in the aisles.
Yes, I am sensitive to smells. Yes, I am allergic to most everything and can't even walk down the laundry aisle or walk into a department store without holding my breath. This is not your problem, but mine.
Please, in the future, please think about those of us who cannot help our asthma. Little did you know that when I smell these smells, especially while pregnant, I panic. Almost full on panic because I am in danger and so is my pregnancy through no fault of my own. My sense of scent is overly active. My doctors tell me to avoid my steroid inhaler at all costs besides dying of oxygen deprivation on the floor. After my encounters with you, I have to remain calm and take stock of my breathing situation which is already sketchy at best while pregnant. Do I need to go outside? Do I need to call someone to drive me to the er? Can I drive myself to the er? Or, am I doing ok?
Lastly, you are all beautiful without your scent. Save it for your hubby or boyfriends in the privacy of your homes. It will save you some money and could possibly save even more.
Thanks for listening,
asthmatic, allergic mother to 2 and then some
Monday, June 9, 2008
Bec's pregnancy was the ultimate. If I got a chance to choose between which way I would be pregnant, I would choose to duplicate his again in a heart beat. No anxiety. No weight gain. No morning sickness. Yes, it was that close to perfect. If you ask his Africa mommy though, she might have a different story than mine since she did all of the work! What an amazing woman. I can't tell you the love I feel for her.
As they say, every pregnancy is different. And yes, I will agree whole heartedly with that now :) Even before my test came up positive, I was sicker than a dog and TIRED with this one! I'm at least up moving around now, and I'm really hoping that I am getting better, though it is hard to tell. I'm hoping that soon I will be saying, "I didn't even realize how badly I felt before. I feel so incredible now!" Let's hope!!
- bending down
- smelling exhaust
- turning my head too fast
- raw meat
- smell of meat cooking
- brushing my teeth
- holding a paintbrush in my mouth
- scrolling on the computer
- knowing that I already feel pukey, but pushing thru it anyway
- the kitchen garbage sitting for more than 24 hours
- drains (sinks, tubs, toilets, etc)
- waiting laundry
And I'm sure that I'll come up with more before this is over.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
On Wednesday night I'd worked myself up into such a tizzy. I kept looking at the beer fridge and the cupboard where I keep my tranquilizers. Knowing that I could feel better if I would just ingest either of them was a huge temptation. I honestly went to each door at least once and held the item that I'm not supposed to have. Torture. And then I started to feel trapped and not myself and it got worse. I didn't take either of them.
I went to counseling the next day and told her how rough the previous nite was. I asked her if she thought that I was an alcoholic or an addict. She smiled. She said, "Karianne, your mind knows that those 2 items are certain help. You are not an addict. You were trying to care for yourself as you have in the past, but couldn't. We have to find other things now for you to cope." And then we came up with a list of things to do when my worry takes hold and won't let go.
The most helpful thing that she taught me was something she called the "flight of the hormones in pregnancy". She said that in the first trimester progesterone is in large amounts. That is the hormone that makes us feel anxiety and pregnancy symptoms. Think a bad episode of PMS. It is the same one that comes into play when you are on an airplane as it is started on the runway, take off, and the climbing altitude. At that point, you are strapped in, anxious and you are very aware of the dangerous situation that you are in. (White knuckles)
During the second trimester, estrogen rises and progesterone lowers. This is the time when women feel less aware of the pregnancy and are able to get on with their lives to get ready for the baby. The symptoms lessen, the anxiety gets much better and at times you can forget that you are pregnant. Kind of like in an airplane when you are flying calmly. Watching the movie, talking, eating. There are times that you forget you are up in the air, traveling fast.
Third trimester the progesterone starts to rise again. You feel yucky and worried and anxious again. Your body starts to get ready to deliver and feed the baby. Just like the descent of an airplane until you are at a full stop.
I have thought about this scenario a lot in the last 24 hours. It has brought me so much comfort to view my feelings as chemicals instead of random thoughts. I wish that I would have known this before!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Never dreamt that before.
But one cool thing from my waking up this morning was that I had that song, "I'm already there" in my head. The line "Can you feel the love that we share" was prominent. I knew it was from my Daddy, telling me good morning. I've felt content all day.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
As I was writing here one night, Ivy comes up and looks at the timeline on the top of the screen and says,
Ivy: WHAT is THAT?
Me: Hmmm. What do you think it is?
Ivy: It's an ear.
Me: Well, then I guess it's an ear.
Ivy: Mom, it is in that belly. Why is it in a belly?
Me: I don't know? Why do you think it's in there?
Ivy: I think she ate it. Mom, don't look. That is so. gross. That girl ate a ear. Just Don't Look.
Sometimes it really does feel like I ate an ear. I feel that gross.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Well, the shocking should be self explanatory. :)
Here is the story about the red grapefruit:
When I was pregnant with Ivy, all that I wanted was lemon. Fresh lemon juice on EVERYTHING!! I would stand at the fridge in the middle of the night and actually squeeze lemon slices into my mouth. It was the only thing that would take away that metal taste that I had the whole time. I also barely ate any type of meat or fat for a good part of the pregnancy.
The weekend before we found out about the + test, I was grocery shopping. I picked up a jug of red grapefruit juice (no sugar) and about 5 of those little tubs with the red grapefruit sections in water. No big. Just bought them. It wasn't until I got the test results that I realized my body knew I was pregnant before my conscious mind did! Just looking in my fridge should have given Chris and I a clue since I haven't bought anything citrus like that in almost 5 years! Years! And boy am I chowing down on those items. More like a segment here and there when I can force it down, but red grapefruit is my only consistent food group as of late.
Another sign before the test was that the day before we found out, we took Ivy to red robin for lunch. Remember I wasn't feeling too well? The only thing that sounded edible was a cobb salad which they serve with grilled chicken. As soon as they put the plate in front of me, I grabbed my fork, as I was talking to Chris, and started putting all of the chicken on his plate. And the bacon. It looked and smelled horrible. We should have thought of it then as well.
One of the other similarities with this pregnancy and Ivy's is that I get a craving for nutty coconut ice cream from Baskin and Robin. Yes, ice cream. The woman who doesn't like ice cream. But I've had 3 child cones within the last 3 weeks.
Ah, the signs. Especially this one:
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
I'm still posting at Practicing and ACH . Not that you had anything else to do with your life than read about mine...
PS. I'm going to try to keep the preg. stuff over here and not on the other blogs too much. That way, if pregnant ramblings aren't your thing, you can just look the other way. I know how hard it can be sometimes.
I went to my ultrasound today by myself. It worked out that way and in all honesty, I wanted it that way. Not knowing how things would turn out, I wanted to focus on the experience, not what anyone else was feeling or thinking. They gave me some pics so Chris was able to see when he came home from work. He is going to try and get the day off for the next one though.
I was so brave. The morning was freaking torture and from now on, I will only make my appts in the morning because waiting until the p.m. was driving me up a wall. But I did get work done! My anxiety was huge and I just wanted to get it the heck over with. I walked straight into that dark and scary room and did what I had to do.
And all was fine. Not ectopic. No twins. Just one little pregnancy poppy seed with a beating heart. Actually, I don't think that "heart" is accurate yet, but the beating of something.
I haven't ever had an ultrasound this early and it was so interesting. I thought for sure that they would have to do a vag. u/s but the abdominal one was just fine. What I saw was this little thing kind of like a star with these pulses on the screen. To think that there really is something in there that is moving creeps me out! Like a little ant or a bumble bee that is inside me that I can't feel.
I have lost 4 pounds since last weeks visit. I think that might have to do with my clothes though. She said as long as I'm eating something, no matter how small, that's good. And to drink because it has been hot in town the last couple of days.
I go back in 5 weeks for another scan as we are doing all of the genetic testing that we can to check if this pregnancy will be viable. Then again at 20 weeks. At this point, for me, I have a pregnancy. I hope that we can get to the fetus/baby milestones! But, I'm not getting ahead of myself. Do I sound a little gun shy? Hmmm. I wonder why that could be?
I about had a heart attack when the tech doing the scan went to get her boss, but it was because she was on a new machine. Still, it took me a few minutes to really believe that she was telling me the truth.
I think that today was the first day that I have taken a deep breath since that + sign showed up. It wasn't until I knew that I was ok and not headed for the OR, that I thought, wow, this could really be cool. And now I have 5 more weeks to feel like things are one the right track.
I feel so relieved tonight. Still scared. But so relieved to know where I stand. Still pukey. But not uptight about all of it. Trying to get back into my "one day at a time" "relax" mode. EXHALE!
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Today was not good, then was good. I wish so much to communicate to the 3 other members of this family how absolutely so much better their lives would be if they let me sleep. Maybe not even sleep in, but let me sleep. As far as Saturdays are concerned, I would like to think that they are my one day that I don't have to get the kids ready. No one else seems to think that. I was a yelling, swearing lunatic this morning 15 minutes before Ivy was to be at dance class. And then Chris yelled at me, I yelled back and Ivy teared up. It was resolved quickly and boy did I milk the guilt on that almost all morning, but I'm beginning to think that they all need a show of consequences of waking me up to change the pattern. Nicey nicey is not working.
So then I was grouchy, cry-y and HOT thru the little league game of my nephew this morning. Then I came home for a 4 hour nap. A few bites of salmon and strawberries. And the world became a gentle place. Amazing how things can turn around.We had a sitter tonight and went to an AAU basketball game and a wedding reception where I wore the most adorable dress that I have purchased this year. While it still fits I"m going to have to take a photo because it is too cute not to share. At the reception I had prawns the size of my palm, small little chicken ceasar wraps and a pink lemonade. It felt so good to eat! Now watch me pay for it tomorrow! Oh well, nourishment is a great thing even if it only happens every other day.
I'm very nervous for the u/s on Tuesday. I have had many u/s that did not bring good news. The dark and the quiet and that flickery screen creep me out. But, we may have good news this time. So many worries take away the excitement. What if there are no heart tones? What if I have an ectopic? What if they don't tell me anything? What if I have to wait another week? I'm glad that it is so much closer so I can get it over with. And if it does turn out well, then I'm telling you guys! That'll be fun.
I finally told my friend today thru a text about this pregnancy. She is Gus' mom, (who I still need to tell you all about) and I was so worried to tell her. She will be heartbroken and sad and happy and will remember. But, I got it over with and told her I didn't want to talk about it and that I was scared. She left me the coolest message saying that she knew I didn't want to talk, but that her advice, which is perfect, is: "it is what it is" This pregnancy is what it is. No matter how much worry or thought or fear or love or excitement I throw it's way, it is what it is. She also told me that she was scared for me too. And that she loved me. I just needed to hear it all. I'm glad that it is over and I'm not thinking of it anymore.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
I'm reading about 4 books that are all so so. Nothing that has grabbed my attention for longer than a few pages. I guess that I have other things on my mind.
It was a weird nite for all of us. I had the kids in bed by 830, they were so strung out. And then Chris and I tried to sleep and ended up watching Shaft before trying to hypnotise ourselves with The lord of the rings. No go. Then the kids all switched beds around. Everyone is sleeping but me.I'm a bit nervous of how tomorrow is going to be with no sleep.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Not so with this pregnancy.They say that morning sickness is a good sign. I'm trying to remember that.I don't know if I can advocate waiting 5 years inbetween pregnancies. This time is so much MORE in every way. But Chris does delight in telling me that it might not be such a big deal if my ages were 20 and 25 instead of 32 and 37.
Monday, May 12, 2008
I still don't know if I will go to Whore's deposition. Depends on tomorrow.
When I went to pick up my kids, my mom called me out to the front porch to ask me about a project that she wants to do for my Nana's 90th birthday in August. After we had discussed some of the details, I told her about the pregnancy.She was so excited! She said "Congratulations" and asked all sorts of questions. She is going to come with me to my first ultrasound next week. This is such a turn around from telling her about my first pregnancy with Chris when she started bawling and asking me why I would do something like that to myself! Turns out, she was super worried, but really came around after she realized how badly I needed her.She called me tonight to see who she could tell the secret to. I told her that as long as all of the kids don't know until later, then that's fine with me. She wanted to tell my aunt, my step dad and my Nana. I'm glad that she is willing to tell Nana, instead of me. When I told Nana last year that I was ready for another one, she said, "Good lord, Kari! What's wrong with you?" Hey, she's almost 90! Having more little ones probably sounds like torture to her!
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Being off of the meds is not an option I don't think. When I first called Kolynn last week, she took me off of everything except for half of my dose of lexapro. That lasted maybe one day before I put myself back on my full dose of lexapro every other day.On Monday I thought that my symptoms of pregnancy were lessening. And I got really panicked and sad. They were back full force yesterday but first thing in the morning I called my midwife's office.Thankfully, they are having me come in on Monday to do a review of my meds. She put me on half dose of wellbutrin as well as the half of lexapro. Yeah! She said that anxiety at this point in the pregnancy is worse on the pregnancy than the meds will be. I love how they listen. I was freaking out on Friday too and called Kolynn but she didn't call back. Pissed me off.
I'm having hibernation yearning today. And I think that I'm going to follow through with it. No talking. No stimulation. Just rest. I'm tired.
I also had a job opportunity come my way. I hope that it works out.
The baby is the size of a grain of rice. Marny's (SIL) baby is the size of a lime.
I feel sore and pukey and big. I got out maternity clothes last night. I've lost weight but feel bigger. I wore my pregnant overalls all night and loved it.Although I hate this feeling, I love this feeling. I hope that we can keep on having kids. Not just feeling hopeful about this pregnancy, but adoption too. It feels so hopeful and productive.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I rummaged all through the extras of our bathroom cabinets and found what I thought was a pregnancy test. If it was a preg. test, it came back +So then I thought, I've had all of those ovulation kit extras lying around, I wonder if that was one.
I called my sister, "Um, girl? I think I'm pregnant. But I really don't know because this could be an ovulation test, right?
Doesn't FACT Plus make ovulation sticks?"
Her response, "Um, you are a dork. That's a pregnancy test."
And then both kids started fighting and yelling and hitting each other and screaming for me. I kept talking, shutting them out of the bathroom. Just kind of rambling about puking and feeling like shit and feeling tired, etc. She then said, "Do your boobs hurt?""YES!! Bec leaned on me this morning and I thought that I was going to cry while shoving him off of me." I say"Girl, you are pregnant." She keeps laughing like a maniac."Well. Then. Hmm."
I kept wondering if I should call Chris at the gym, but just waited for a bit. He came in thru the utility room. The kids were occupied and I went to talk to him.
I said, "I threw up this morning."
He said, "Ah, babe. You are sick." and then he stopped.
And I stood there.
I said, "I had a positive pregnancy test this morning."
His reaction was great. He looked shocked, but knew that although he was overwhelmed, I was looking to him to say the right thing. Then, really slowly, he says, w---o----w.And then we both stood there.