Well, suprisingly, I think that I may have been looking forward to having another tiny newborn.
I was looking thru an old Oprah magazine today and a small photo in a photo collage caught my eye. It was a pic from the early 80s or late 70s of a mama in a hospital bed, holding her newborn son.
Something about the image stopped me. I turned back and looked at it and thought, "Awwww." And then, slowly, a thought came to me. I might be in a situation like that at the end of this year. That could be a photo representation of me. Wow. Maybe I am processing this a bit better than I thought.
Recently, when I see a newborn in person, I automatically turn my head. I can't even look. My friend's son is still an infant. I coo over him. I love him. I buy things for him. But I don't touch him. If I have to hold him, I hand him back quickly. It is too much, too soon. He reminds me of what all of this pregnancy stuff is all about. It's a lot to feel. Especially with his sweet smell and his tiny perfectness.
When he had troubles with seizures a couple of weeks after his birth, I was terrified. I kept thinking, but he's perfect. He's here. And then, my shadow side said, "Babies die everyday Karianne. You know this. He is not safe." And all of my fears were back.
I detached so completely when I was pregs with Ivy. The concept of losing her was too huge, so I unconsciously decided to not engage the whole time. Everything was last minute. My bag was packed while I was in labor. The crib set up the week before, not a bit sooner. Absolutely no pregnancy articles, shows, magazine, books or images. And, when it was all said and done, I never thought that she would be born alive. Or if she was, that she would die before I brought her home. I never made that pregnancy=baby connection. I had up too many safeguards to keep myself from not going insane.
This time, I still have my arms crossed. Not open yet. But, that small little photo was a little prod for me to consider a different outcome. Astoundingly, I may be that woman. I've walked the walk for 12 weeks.
Now, lets just see how Wednesday's u/s goes.
And my infection is much better. Yeah!
I'm taping that pic to my desk. Positive reminders are good.
5 comments:
I just have good feelings about this one. You and Sara, and me trying, it just all feel right. I feel that you'll be that woman.
-Alexy
Miss K,
I have a good feeling. You are going to be ok. You keep your good reminders. Sometimes we need to be reminded.
You are a strong lady, Karianne. And I love you! :)
Today Joel asked, "Who's Karianne?" He had read your comment. I had already told him stories about you. So the comment made the connection for him. :) He said, "Ahhh! The one who lives in Washington!" He's such a good listener.
I told him about you getting me the pants that say "Boys have cooties." He said in his smart ass way, "But I don't have cooties..." I kissed him on the cheek and said, "Yes, but you aren't a boy. You're a man."
:)
Keep smiling and putting one foot in front of the other yourself (-:
Karianne,
I can relate. I remember the feeling when they brought me Forest. I was simply shocked that he was here, alive, and breathing and was mine. I honestly never made the corralation in my heart that pregnancy=baby. I thought I would be over that for my second pregnancy. Again, I was shocked that they give me a living, breathing baby. And it happened the third time. I don't know if it's us guarding our hearts after losses, or what it is. But I know that feeling. I would think "Maybe in several months, I'll be able to have a baby to wear this on...." Funny thing is, it sounds different when you're hearing someone else say it. I want to run to you and hug you tight and say "It's not that you might be holding a baby, you WILL be holding a baby, my friend!". But I know the feeling so fully. I truly believe it though... just as I AM holding my baby right this very second, you WILL be holding yours.
And you better post asap after that u/s tomorrow, because I am waiting!!!
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