The end

Since I'm no longer pregnant, there is no need to keep on going over here.

Head on over to my old haunt,practicing contentment

Thanks for reading while it lasted.

Hendrix 36 weeks

Had another u/s today! He wasn't too happy about his picture being taken as he was once again occupied with his hand and his cord to mug for the camera.We have changed the order of his name to Hendrix Thomas John. Chris likes that better and so do I. Minor issues with my blood pressure, so I've been instructed to take it easy this weekend and come back in on Monday. No prob!

Did I already tell you this?

I have always kind of assumed that my csection with Ivy was brought on because I am a wuss. I'll have to post her birth story soon as I have been meaning to do so, and that it's been on my mind very much as of late.

I'm not that woman that feels that I need to FEEL labor to feel empowered. I would have elected to have a csection the first go around, but I didn't feel comfortable enough with the whole process to push my case. I do remember asking for an epidural pre labor, in a devised only for me backpack form. My midwife didn't go for it, but did tell me that I could have an epidural any time that I wanted after I was admitted. Yeah, she's that cool.

This time, I knew that I did not want to try a BVAC, so I just said, "Schedule me." And they did. Since I am the definition of high maintenance, I see both my midwife and my OB on a regular basis.

I see my OB regularly on a personal/professional basis. When I saw her last week, she took a gander at my waddle and asked, "Aren't you on my surgery schedule in 5 weeks?" Sure am, I said. "Well, I'm not sure if you're gonna make it til then." She says.

She then asks, "Why did we section you with Ivy? I don't remember." I then went on to tell her that I thought that it was because I just couldn't get the hang of labor or of pushing. I really did think that it was something disfunctional with my abilities. Then, in one of the most affirming, healing sentences that redeemed 5 years of guilt at being sucky at labor, she told me, "Well, I highly doubt that! Sue (my midwife) and I try absolutely everything that we can before we section someone. It wouldn't be because you weren't pushing properly. It had to be something physical before we took the scalpel to you."

How cool was that???

More proof!

First off, you are all too sweet, but I think that the way I was sitting may have hid the hugeness that I am feeling. So, here are some more pics that were taken recently, but not as recent as the last posting.

The one of the left was in mid November, Chris had bought me a new hat that is just adorable. The one on the right is on Halloween with Ivy being Dorothy and me being Pregnant Rizzo from Grease!

And then today

I woke up with a cold sore.
Had to work at daycare to get out state bills. Got a phone call from the spa, reminding me about a spa package I said that I'd do which was supposed to start in 10 minutes. Didn't finish bills and they'll just have to wait.
Road construction is now right in front of our drive.
It's Chris' birthday.
My sis in law called in tears because of my inconsiderate in laws.
And I love mondays, don't ya know!

Miss you all. Miss reading about your lives. Missing so many things right now. My feet included.

Hey Anne, thanks for the "tiny" comment. But did you see my face?

Huge and Miserable

And here is the proof! This pic was taken today for Chris' birthday lunch at Red Robin. I'm huge. Not being able to walk will do that to you.

Turn away if you don't want to join the whinefest.

I have had a cough and sore throat for over a week. I still can't walk, sit, or stand without pain. I will be groveling at the feet of my midwife this week to see if I can do my c-section any earlier. I cry every single day. I started leaking breast milk a couple of days ago. I feel like a polluted fish bowl.

Hendrix is doing great. Moving constantly all over the place. Ivy is getting super excited. Becken knows something is up and has started regressing, which is actually adorable. And Chris is really starting to realize that this huge bump is his teeny tiny son.

The gifts have started to show up and a couple of girlfriends are throwing me a shower on the 14th. I really doubt that I'm going to make it til then.

One day at a time.

The Descent

Remember when my therapist compared pregnancy to a flight of hormones? Well, I have began the descent and it is not fun. Anxiety and white knuckles are pretty common for me lately. I'm back on my full dose of meds, in pain for the majority of the waking hours (this baby is soooo low) and quite the vessel of tears.
Today was very nice though. I stayed in bed on my side until 3 pm. Chris is on vacation and I just totally checked out of the daily routine. When I woke up, we finally went shopping for a "coming home" outfit for Hendrix which has been making my life jittery for a week or so.
And through it all, it is still worth it. Regardless, it is worth it. I'd rather feel like this, than not be pregnant with this beautiful boy. Even through the physical and mental pain, this has been such a gift of redemption. I think about Becken's Africa mommy and I shut my mouth. I am so lucky.
47 days to go.

It's not what you know,

It's who you know.
My midwife's office is also my ob/gyn's office. Practically half of the staff are clients of mine, so when I found out that they had finally gotten their new 3D/4D ultrasound machines, I was hoping that they would remember me when training time rolled around. And they did! We got some really neat shots of Hendrix during both visits. I think that they are so much better than the ones that I paid an arm and a leg for.

Hello Cutie Pie

Hendrix at 30 weeks

Today

Yesterday and this morning while I was in the tub, I spent the majority of the time watching my belly! This little guy is either really big, or really strong, as I don't remember this amount of abdominal movement with Ivy at this point. It was a lot later on in the pregnancy when I could see my stomach roil with baby.

And this guy is a kicker. Ivy was more of a spinner. I would call her my little ballerina. This one already wants to play "kung fu" with his siblings. (See photo below of their nightly tournaments)





Last night I took my final dosing of the BV meds and I think that I'm slowly on the mend. Yesterday along with working and going grocery shopping, I was tylenol free all day. Today Ivy and I were able to take a 5 block walk to the movie store, which in my mind was comparable to doing a marathon last week. I'm also considering the fact that 2 days of Chris doing primary parenting has left me well equipped to handle things. I'm not jinxing myself. We're taking it one day at a time!

Yesterday finished me

After the bed fest from the weekend and most of Monday, I woke up feeling pretty great to greet Tuesday and get some things started! Which lasted for about an hour before I was hobbling around with tears in my eyes, breathing heavily and coming to the end of my rope.

I got on the horn to my midwife's assistant and told her that there had to be something more that we could do, because I was beginning to panic. She got me in to see Sue this morning.

And, now we find out the majority of the problem. A bacterial infection. I had these before with Ivy, but not like this. So, there was more than one thing going on. I left the office with an rx for the intra vag. gel, an rx for a belly support belt (which my insurance refused to cover), and a note saying that for every 30 minutes to an hour that I'm up, I need to alternate that with sitting or laying down. Yeah! I also had my hips and pelvis adjusted by my new chiro that works on preggos like me. He warned, "I was conservative in your adjustment, but you will be sore tomorrow." What else is new? At least it will be a different sore.

I feel much better tonight. Not physically, mind you, as my tx hasn't started, but mentally, knowing that feeling better is in my grasp. Sue said that after the rx is complete, I should feel much better, but not 100% since Hendrix really is low. But, she said that as far as being debilitating, it would be more of a day to day issue depending on him and my uterus. Good news. I can't wait to get back to this perfect pregnancy! This little blip has went on long enough!

Shifting

OK gals, not such a great weekend. Well, I spent pretty much the whole darn thing in bed or on the couch, since in all reality I couldn't walk or stand without that horrible pelvic pain. I would think that sleeping it off would help, but it was fleeting.

Tonight I was online looking for any type of relief, and what I read pretty much scared the wits out of me! Things like, bedrest, crutches and a wheelchair until delivery. Of course, there are less drastic approaches to try first, but YIKES!

So I'm trying to grin and bear it as Sue told me I should. And guess what? In all reality, that is my only choice as Chris heads back to work tomorrow and Bec starts soccer this week. These poor kids. Just dealing with me on the limited basis that they had to this weekend has them seeing their mama in a new light.

Wish me, and them, luck!

And putting it in perspective at this point, I'm still enjoying being pregnant. Maybe I can get used to this?

O MY STARS!!

I went to my midwife appt. today and guess what? I go back again in 2 weeks! Yep, officially third trimester is here and I cannot believe how fast this has been going. Weight, blood pressure, and blood sugar were as close to perfect as they could be, and of course, Mr. Hendrix was showing off by being active and cooperative.

AND, they are giving me another ultrasound when I go in next. AND I found out last week that they just received their new 3D/4D machines, so I was begging for one of those. My sweet midwife left me with a "We'll see..."

Lastly, something very uncomfortable is happening to my pubic bone. I so don't remember this with Ivy and Sue said that it wasn't like this with Ivy since she was my first. But Hendrix is lower and will be getting lower by the day. She said that she says this will be a grin and bear it situation, kind of remedied by positions, but not cured. Nothing to do about it. If any of you have had braces on your teeth, and remember the pressure and the pain and the stretching going on in your jaw, just imagine the same thing in your nether regions. I'm so glad that we did photos when we did.

But, all that said, I still texted Chris this morning and told him that I want to do this again in a few years. Needless to say, I did not get a response back.

Christopher's Favorite

My Favorite

A couple more

A little taste, more to come

Photo Shoot 2003 and 2008

The above photo was shot about 5 years ago when we were pregnant with Ivy. I adore the way that it looks and it really brings back some wonderful memories from back then. I still have that shirt. I just can't part with it although that is the only time that I wore it. Although I love these photos, I feel like they are kind of generic, and I did so at the time as well. But, being in a chain studio, we got as edgy as possible with what was available.

This time around, I wanted something very different from the studio shots we had done last time. I contacted my cousin's wife who did the still shots for the video I did last year for their church. I emailed her that I wanted something artsy this time, and did she have any ideas.

Well, she comes back with these great ideas about COLOR!! BIG HAIR!! EARTHY. Exactly what I was thinking!!

We finally got together today at the spur of the moment and had an amazing session. It was such an adventure! We threw all of our props into her car and headed out to locations unknown. We trespassed. Climbing over property lines and barbed wire. I was changing my clothes in plain view of a busy street. I was freezing by the end of it. There was danger with huge spiders and thistle bushes and huge burrs that attacked us, the biggest ants that I've seen in real life. Climbing up and down embankments 6 months pregnant? Nobody knowing where we were? It was one of the best afternoons I've had in a while. I tell ya, I suffer for my art, okay?

She is hopefully going to be able to email me some of the pics tomorrow and I will be posting them a few at a time. From what I saw through the view screen on the drive home, they should be amazing.

What a great day.

99 Days

99 Days til Hendrix is here! (Or less, but I'm not thinking about that option) In my head, I keep humming 99 bottles of beer on the wall.
I've been thinking a lot more about breastfeeding him. I nursed Ivy through thick and thin, while I should have been on my meds instead. Of course, it is easy to look back and judge yourself, but life would have been much easier to take care of myself first, then focus on her needs. Live and learn, I thought.
Well, more and more, I'm thinking that I might just breastfeed while I'm in the hospital recovering from the section. If I keep feeling this great throughout the end days of the pregnancy, I might just give it a whirl.
But, if I feel those icky, depressing, anxious feelings creeping up on me, I hope that I will do what I need to keep all of us nurtured. One day at a time.

Great Appointment

Hendrix and I had a wonderful appointment this week with the midwife. They were thrilled with my weight because I have now gained back all of my morning sickness loss, plus one pound! Hendrix's heart rate was perfect. The appointment was in and out, and good news all around. They also aren't making me do that icky blood sugar drink test. I kind of talked her out of it, letting me do a blood stick on my next visit instead. That was really good news to me. They scheduled me back in another month.

This past week I have worked quite a bit more and kept up my treadmill walks but still feel amazing. By about 700, I'm done standing. You will find me in a chair with my feet propped up on my exercise ball. Around that time the soreness and heaviness in my pelvis and back are starting to make me aware that the little fish is getting bigger.

These past couple of weeks...

Meet Turkey #3

What is it with my kids and getting their pictures taken? I don't think that I told you all about Hendrix not showing his privacy for our last ultrasound until the very end, but the child wasn't giving up any info willingly. But, we persevered and found out he was a boy.

First on the list today was to see his face. No go. The little one was totally buried in the placenta, snuggled in and wasn't going to look at us at all. Then when he did turn, he decided that he wanted both hands and one foot in front of his face. Along with his cord that was his security blanket. But showing the boy parts? Oh, not a problem today! He was a flasher extraordinaire.

Then, at the VERY end of my 30 minutes, who decides to turn? And give a huge yawn? And show off? Yep, my 3rd little turkey that only grudgingly cooperates after Mama cajoles and persuades and pleads. At least I know what I'm getting into, since I've already done it twice before.

Here are the last 2 pics out of something like 90. Goodness.





Pretty cute, I think that he kind of looks like a baby dinosaur. If I can figure out how to upload the little yawn part onto youtube, I'll send it along. I really don't think that you want to see the whole 30 minutes of his back!

Tomorrow is the day!

Tomorrow I get to go to our 3D/4D ultrasound after work. I'm cautiously optimistic as I know how difficult these can be on getting good, clear shots, but at least I'm trying it out. Some of the ones that I've seen have been super freaky but a few have been adorable. I guess that it relies on many factors to make it come out right. Such as how far along you are, because if you go in too early, it really looks weird, or if you go in too late, the baby may be too big and in an odd position to get a good shot. Also, the clarity of the amniotic fluid, the amount of fluid and where the placenta is located all come into play.

My mom and sis are coming with me and that will be much better than our last u/s where Chris and the kids came with me. I would not recommend that idea to anyone.

I've heard that the office where I am having it done is really nice, as it should be because this thing is costing me an arm, a leg and then some.

I hope to be sharing some more Hendrix photos with you all when I get back. I need to go drink some more water.

Bigger Documented

For Carrie


Bottom pic is most recent and taken by Miss Ivy in front of our house. About 18 weeks which was 3 weeks ago.

Bigger

Today marked the last day of me bending over to pick up anything off of the floor. If I can hold onto something and lower myself down to reach the item, I'm still good. Today I was able to raise my massage table by standing up and levering one side up at a time while adjusting the height. I'm pretty proud of that.

Today also marked the last day of the at-home bikini wax. As I had to lift my belly out of the way to see where the wax was needed. It was more difficult than I expected, but I'm glad that it is done.

The Dentist

I'm not sure if Hendrix loved being at the dentist with me today or hated it. Regardless, he was animated like I haven't felt him before. Maybe it was because I was reclined all the way back? He is getting much stronger.

Since I couldn't take a tranquilizer, I took my relaxation cds. The hygenist was very nice, but it was one of the roughest cleanings I have ever had. I'm still sore and can only imagine what it will be like tomorrow. They said that I have pregnancy induced gingivitis and that could be why everything was more sensitive. Plus, I was drug free, which really sucked. I'm still shocked at myself for keeping the appointment.

Otherwise, no cavities, which is huge. After I had Ivy, I had 7 cavities. Yep, I sure wasn't proud of that accomplishment. At least I'm not headed down that road again!

I just did the math

If Hendrix waits as long as he is supposed to, I only have 138 days left. Exactly. This is going to fly by!

Over the moon post

It's a boy!

Hendrix John Thomas Murphy.

How in the world did he get Becken's lips? profile

profile

Hello little hand

I left this one on it's side so I could explain it better. At 12 oclock you can see his nose, nostrils, lips and chin. Just like he is looking straight at you. He has a hand under his chin.

He's beautiful.

The Best

There are some things this pregnancy that I will proclaim "The Best" . And far and away the best of the best have been the amazingly comforting and beautiful dreams that I've had of my dad.

There was a time while I was still grieving that my visits from dad in my dreams went away. And I reeled from the loss. I missed him so much, and then to miss him in my dreams was like salt in the wounds.

But now my dad has come back to me. I wake up smiling from seeing him. And he is always smiling and happy too. It had been a very long time since I had seen him that way before he got sick and died.

My Nana will be 90 this weekend. She reminds me of the Natalie Merchant song, "Wonder". I love my Nana. But anyone turning 90, reminds me of how much time has been stolen from me and my kids having their own grandparent.

I miss him. Maybe I'll go take a nap.

Hurry up already!

Nope, I'm not talking about the pregnancy, but my 20 week ultrasound.

It is taking forever to get here. I'm holding my breath again, wanting to just know that everything is ok.

Wednesday cannot come soon enough.

To be a good parent

I was reading a Bazaar magazine interview with Frances Bean Cobain and her mom, Courtney Love was quoted as saying,
"Whatever you want to say about me, go look at my kid...I don't think any child has ever been more wanted. And I don't think that any parents have wanted to f*ck up less."
This is exactly how I feel about each of my kids. I have always admired Courtney and felt so badly for her dealing with her drug addiction. That quote really hit home to me.

Pregnancy Police Attack

And I didn't do anything wrong! And they were both under 16!
This week I had to escape from the in-law infestation, but mostly from Chris, so I had a night out with some of my girls.
On her way to meet me and some friends for dinner, my sis had to take my niece home. She told my niece that she was meeting me and some friends for drinks. My niece came unglued and said that I can't be drinking because I'm pregnant. My sis said that she was sure that I would have a soda or something besides alcohol. My niece then quietly said, "Drinking is very bad for the baby." She's 10.
Then my nephew called my sis to see if he could do something with his friends. He asked what she was doing. She said, "I'm out with Auntie and some friends." He then comes unglued and says, "Auntie cannot be drinking. Is Auntie drinking? She is pregnant and can't be drinking." My sis told him to relax and the I was having a virgin pina colada, just like he has at dinner. He's 15.
The eyes are everywhere.

Tired

Last night all 3 of the kids slept with me on the couch. Yes, ALL 3 KIDS on the COUCH with me. The one that lives inside me didn't take up too much space, but the other 2 were sprawled.

I've had a week of inlaws. Chris and I are being very careful with each other to avoid any meltdowns. What is that saying about fish and company? So true.

Please send sleeping vibes to my babes tonight so mama can get some rest!

She knows?

When I picked up the kids today, one of the staff was telling me that Ivy was telling her that I was going to have a baby. Now, although we have decided to not tell our kids about the pregnancy until after the next u/s, I'm sure that Ivy has somewhat figured it out since everyone else knows.

So, this is how I handled the situation. I told her that in a couple of weeks Daddy and Mommy are going to the doctor to see if there is a baby in there. We think that there is a baby in there, but we have to go to the doctor to see for sure. And if there is one in there, they will tell us if it is a brother or a sister.

Then she said that she wants another baby brother. Because she is already a girl. We'll have to see how that one is going to go over.

Last week I asked her if she got a new baby dolly what would she want it's name to be? She then said that the only name she likes is Ivy. And Sunshine because she already has a doll named Sunshine. I think that she didn't really catch the drift of that inquiry. I then said, "Do you like Paisley? Do you like Patience? Do you like Juniper? (those are all names that we are thinking of for girls) She says, "Mom, I told you. I only like Ivy." Well then.

All is well

Today was my midwife appt and second blood draw and all seemed fine. We scheduled our next U/S for August 13 and hopefully we will be able to see which type of kid we are getting next.
The second blood results will be compared with the first ones taken three weeks ago and will let us know the statistical risk of Downs. Since the nuchal scan can normally detect upwards of 70% of these cases, I'm feeling comforted. She said that no news is good news and the results should be back after a week.
She was extremely pleased that I had gained a pound from 3 weeks ago. Hopefully that will continue. She also said that Ivy, Chris and I can play tennis as long as I don't get too hot or winded. She said that competitive tennis is out, but since I don't play competitive tennis I don't think that I will be missing out. Bec will be disappointed as he doesn't like going to the courts, but he'll come around.
A cool happening at the appointment was that the nurse could not find the heartbeat at first. I told her, "Try it lower, that is normally where it hangs out." And there it was, right where Mama could feel it. Of course, it booked off right away. She said, "Wow, this one is a mover. Ya know, the old wive's tale says that an active baby is a boy." Chalk up another vote for the blue team.

Want to smile?

This link is not to a blog that I frequent. In fact, I just found it tonight. But, posts like this bring me joy like you cannot imagine. I hope that you feel the same.


Allow Me to Introduce

I'm putting this up on all my blogs. Enjoy. It just gets better every time you read it.

How many is too many?

Now I know that I'm extra sensitive lately but something happened last night that isn't sitting well with me.
Chris finally told his dad and stepmom about the new baby coming. They were over and admiring the new car, which is something that I find odd in the first place, but people are different.
We were out on the front porch and Chris said, "Well, there's a reason why we needed a bigger car." I then smoothed down my shirt to show the bump. His step mom said congratulations and gave me a hug. Chris' dad said, "Don't you guys watch television?" Then they laughed. Then his dad said, "And what about after this one?" Chris said, "I'm making a doctor's appointment!" In all honesty, they were more excited about the car. Seriously, some peoples' priorities.
When we came inside I asked Chris if his parents think that we have too many kids. He said that he didn't think so and that his dad didn't mean anything by what he said. I'm thinking in my head, "Hell, you think 3 is a lot of kids? I'll show you a lot of kids by the time I'm done!!" Yeah, I"m that mature.
Chris is the baby out of 4 kids. So far, he is the only one that is married and the only one that has kids. I guess that really does make him an oddity with his folks. But his oldest brother and girlfriend are expecting this fall. When I think back to the reaction they got, it makes me mad.
And, Chris still hasn't told his mom. I told him tonight that the longer he puts it off, the worse it is going to be. She is now the last to know. He says that he doesn't want to put up with her shit and that she will make it all about her and cry and throw a fit. Nice, just like she did with Ivy. She just didn't acknowlege Bec until he was in her face.
Bottom line is that I hate it that people can act like this, yet at the end, still take all of the credit and the glory. My family is there for us in any way shape or form and has been since the beginning of time. (Well, maybe not my mom from the very beginning, but she has more than made up for it) But, oh, when the baby is born, they are all there acting like it was their idea for us to have another. Pisses me off. But, more and more I realize that no matter how much I wish that it was different, life isn't fair. Growing up is hard. F*** 'em. (Ah, that feels better!)

Maybe I'll name it Braxton

This week has been full. Full of energy. Full of chores. Full of getting things done. Full of love and happiness. And full of Braxton-Hicks contractions.

Worry wart that I am, I was on the phone the first day that the mild contractions started. I mean, hey, I just turned 15 weeks today. Well, my midwife said, "normal, normal normal! Especially with the second pregnancy you feel everything sooner and more than the first." She also said that when they start and keep going I'm supposed to drink a glass of water and lie down with my feet up until they stop. Great advice as I have had to do this every day this week.

Between my uterus and this little fishy there is a lot of moving around down there. When I walked into the office this week, my brother said, "God K, what are you pregnant or something?" I was totally showing. I told him about the baby moving around so much. He cringed. Wuss.

Lastly, I have got to eat more. I went down a pound from my last visit. But I think that has been because I'm moving around so much, not laying on the couch all sick-y. Making up for lost time. But, no fear! This weekend we have a festival to go to with wonderful food and another wedding reception. Oh, little swimmer just flipped a hello to you all!

Isn't that baby on the ticker creepy?

Something is moving in there

Yesterday I kept thinking that I was feeling the baby move. But I kept talking myself out of it. And then as I was sitting at the computer, filling out a form online, there was an unmistakable, familiar feeling of something specific moving in there. Not like the fluttering of butterfly wings, but like the flipping over of a fish.
I told Chris, my mom and my sis. Chris said, "are you sure?" My mom and sis said, "I'll bet. You can always feel the second one sooner and it is rough to mix it up with anything else once you have felt it."
I felt it again last night while I was driving. And then once when I was laying down this afternoon.
Once again, I had thought that this trimester would have me forgetting I was pregnant. Once again, little fish has decided to make it's presence known. Once again, I think I have a little drama babe in there. Like mama, like fishy!

The hair and Chris finally lets the cat out

To answer Kelly's question, about a month or so ago, my hair was causing me great concern. The piecey-ness had grown out to a Carol Brady, not so attractive, bi layered mess. I had just decided to hire the housekeeper so $ was on my mind. I took a pair of scissors to the office and asked my mom or my sis to hack it off. My sis took on the challenge and it is no longer causing me grief. It's gonna stay short for the summer at least!
We got a new car last week to accomodate the growing group of children in this place. 7 seats! Yeah! I can fill those seats with my eyes closed and the help our our adoption agency.
Last night at the reception Chris was showing his sister and her bf the new car. When I was dancing with one of Chris' step sisters, he FINALLY told his sis that we are expecting. He hadn't told anyone yet. That is so difficult when all my fam knows but his doesn't.
I told Chris last week that I was starting to show. He so did not believe me. HA!
I asked him why he ended up telling her last night. He said, "Um, while you were dancing with Tracy looking all pregnant, I had to say something!" I said, " I TOLD YOU I was showing!!" He got a big smile on his face and said, "Yeah, you really are." HA!
I guess that he said to them, "So, I guess you know why we need a bigger car." His sister started laughing and said, "As soon as you two walked in, I wanted to say, ' How far along are you guys?' Then my bf said something, but we just decided to keep our mouths shut until one of you said something."
I knew I was showing.

Still fits!

13 weeks pregnant
You are looking at my favorite pre pregnancy purchase, my main dress for the summer. I wore it last month in our home town to a wedding reception. The above pics are from tonight where we had to go to a neighboring town for a wedding reception. Next month we have another wedding reception in another town and I'm hoping to wear it then too. It will be interesting to see if I can still zip the zipper and breathe. Yeah, breathing would be a bonus.

We were staring into a 90 + degree sun in these photos. Regardless, I'm so missing my Botox. Did you know that you can't do Botox while you are pregnant? Ah, the sacrifices I make for these kids. So not only do I feel older than the hills, my skin around my eyes looks it!

PS. We had fun at the reception and I did not expect to. Love that!

Boy or Girl?

What do you think it is?

This pregnancy has brought forth such passionate opinions that I'm surprised. And, the funny thing is that I have no clue. When I was pregs with Ivy, I KNEW she was a girl from the get go. This one, I have absolutely no feeling either way.

I have a girlfriend who is very intuitive and she came up to me yesterday and said, "This one is a girl". I have a tendency to think that she will be the one that is correct, but you know how that goes! Most everyone else (sister, sis in law, cousin, therapist) feels like it is a boy.

I had a dream last night that we had a girl. We were in the delivery room and for some reason in my dream we hadn't found out the sex yet. When they pulled her out of me, they said, "It's a girl!" and we were all happy.

We are finding out when we get the chance. I'm a need to know kind of gal as you all are well aware!

So, what is your vote?

All's Well!

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Waving Hello

Little one looks great! Kept doing backspins and being a wiggle worm the whole time. Seems it will fit in with brother and sister just fine with all of the activity going on in there.

Hopefully next u/s we will get to see what we are having!

Sooner than later

Well, suprisingly, I think that I may have been looking forward to having another tiny newborn.
I was looking thru an old Oprah magazine today and a small photo in a photo collage caught my eye. It was a pic from the early 80s or late 70s of a mama in a hospital bed, holding her newborn son.
Something about the image stopped me. I turned back and looked at it and thought, "Awwww." And then, slowly, a thought came to me. I might be in a situation like that at the end of this year. That could be a photo representation of me. Wow. Maybe I am processing this a bit better than I thought.
Recently, when I see a newborn in person, I automatically turn my head. I can't even look. My friend's son is still an infant. I coo over him. I love him. I buy things for him. But I don't touch him. If I have to hold him, I hand him back quickly. It is too much, too soon. He reminds me of what all of this pregnancy stuff is all about. It's a lot to feel. Especially with his sweet smell and his tiny perfectness.
When he had troubles with seizures a couple of weeks after his birth, I was terrified. I kept thinking, but he's perfect. He's here. And then, my shadow side said, "Babies die everyday Karianne. You know this. He is not safe." And all of my fears were back.
I detached so completely when I was pregs with Ivy. The concept of losing her was too huge, so I unconsciously decided to not engage the whole time. Everything was last minute. My bag was packed while I was in labor. The crib set up the week before, not a bit sooner. Absolutely no pregnancy articles, shows, magazine, books or images. And, when it was all said and done, I never thought that she would be born alive. Or if she was, that she would die before I brought her home. I never made that pregnancy=baby connection. I had up too many safeguards to keep myself from not going insane.
This time, I still have my arms crossed. Not open yet. But, that small little photo was a little prod for me to consider a different outcome. Astoundingly, I may be that woman. I've walked the walk for 12 weeks.
Now, lets just see how Wednesday's u/s goes.
And my infection is much better. Yeah!
I'm taping that pic to my desk. Positive reminders are good.

Misery, Party of One

OK gals, I'm sick. Sinus infection, antibiotic sick. Raspy, croaky sick. Face pain, throat pain, neck pain, ear pain sick. Fever with chills sick. Can barely turn my head sick.
My midwife called in an antibiotic for me to pick up tomorrow. I so hope that it works. Besides having allergies to about every scent, did you know that I am allergic to penicillin, erythromyacin and sulfa antibiotics? Holy.
But all of this pales in comparison to my worries about what this is all doing to the fetus. So many meds. No food. Poor little thing.
I think that I'm about to put myself on bedrest! Of course Ivy has swim lessons and tennis lessons this week. Of course. I'm off to the tub.

Dr. Update

Went in to see the midwife about this cold and although there is a lot of congestion, there isn't any infection yet. Yeah!
So, we are going to try to get out of this without antibiotics. Which at this point means, rest, fluids, tylenol sinus and hot packs to my face.
I had no idea how effective over the counter meds can be. The tylenol has made me feel somewhat better.

Jinxed!

I'm sick. I'm heading into the doctor today with a head/chest cold the likes of which I haven't seen for years. After my post about feeling so much better, I awoke to a sore ear, a sore throat and a sore chest. Even my face hurts, so I'm thinking that I must have had one of my infamous, lurking sinus infections that took over the rest of me.
Being pregnant throws so many things into an event. Normally, I have my self care, doctor visit routines down in cases like this. But being pregnant throws all of that out of the window. I end up looking at the little tub of Vaporub and think, "Am I supposed to use this now?" It puts a question mark on everything.

Hmmm

Hey, doesn't that baby on the ticker look like a black eyed pea? :)

I've been keeping this quiet for a few days because I don't want to jinx myself. I think that I may have mentioned something to Carrie, but that's about it. So, the big news? I think that I'm feeling better!
Monday I felt so so. And I mentioned this improvement to my siblings. But then Tuesday was horrible and I decided to keep my mouth shut after that. Wednesday was pretty good, Thursday not so, but yesterday I went until about 1130 pm without feeling nauseous! And today I have done really well with some twinges of ickiness, but nothing like before. I cannot tell you how happy this makes me! I have even worked out twice this week and went swimming today. Ah, I like having me back. Even if it is hit and miss. I was missing myself.
Still no appetite to speak of, but since I feel better, it is so much easier to force myself to eat. I almost ate a half of a pint of strawberries (strawbabies) on my own today along with a roll, some crackers and cheese, and a few noodles. Amazing! I might even have Chris make me an egg tonight to up the protein intake for today.
Tomorrow Chris will be celebrating his father with a bbq at his dad's house that I will be skipping because of the meat. Steaks. Don't think that I can even think about going there yet! And, since Chris is still all hush hush about the pregnancy, they would be trying to force feed me and I'd end up getting frustrated. My siblings and I are going to try to get together to celebrate my stepdad at about the same time as the bbq so it won't be too obvious that I'm missing from Chris' dad's celebration.
I cooked a dinner for Chris tonight for his father's day and tomorrow will give him gifts and maybe go to breakfast depending on when the kiddos wake up. I bought him a Tiger Woods golf game that he wanted and an ice cream maker. I think that he will like them both.

A pleading letter

Dear pretty lady at Borders yesterday and the cute teens in the grocery today,

You have no idea how awful I felt after encountering you in public recently. I am hoping to give you the benefit of the doubt, so I am writing this pleading, educational letter to clue you in to some thing that you did that you might not view as rude and far reaching as it was/is.

In shortened terms, you stink. Not in a b.o. type of way, but in the perfume-y type of way. Lady at Borders, I had to stand 2 people lengths away from you to breathe without coughing and having my eyes water. Then I had to get out of line all together. Girls, all you did was pass by me in the aisles.

Yes, I am sensitive to smells. Yes, I am allergic to most everything and can't even walk down the laundry aisle or walk into a department store without holding my breath. This is not your problem, but mine.

Please, in the future, please think about those of us who cannot help our asthma. Little did you know that when I smell these smells, especially while pregnant, I panic. Almost full on panic because I am in danger and so is my pregnancy through no fault of my own. My sense of scent is overly active. My doctors tell me to avoid my steroid inhaler at all costs besides dying of oxygen deprivation on the floor. After my encounters with you, I have to remain calm and take stock of my breathing situation which is already sketchy at best while pregnant. Do I need to go outside? Do I need to call someone to drive me to the er? Can I drive myself to the er? Or, am I doing ok?

Lastly, you are all beautiful without your scent. Save it for your hubby or boyfriends in the privacy of your homes. It will save you some money and could possibly save even more.

Thanks for listening,

Karianne
asthmatic, allergic mother to 2 and then some

previous morning sicknesses

To answer some comment questions, I was not sick like this with Ivy. There is part of me that wished that I would have been because I possibly wouldn't have had so much anxiety during the pregnancy with her. I was not on any medication and kind of mentally removed myself from what was going on inside of me. The worst that I felt with her was that I had an icky taste in my mouth for a few months. Like I was sucking on a dirty nickel. But I was able to eat, as was evidenced by my weight gain of 26 pounds!

Bec's pregnancy was the ultimate. If I got a chance to choose between which way I would be pregnant, I would choose to duplicate his again in a heart beat. No anxiety. No weight gain. No morning sickness. Yes, it was that close to perfect. If you ask his Africa mommy though, she might have a different story than mine since she did all of the work! What an amazing woman. I can't tell you the love I feel for her.

As they say, every pregnancy is different. And yes, I will agree whole heartedly with that now :) Even before my test came up positive, I was sicker than a dog and TIRED with this one! I'm at least up moving around now, and I'm really hoping that I am getting better, though it is hard to tell. I'm hoping that soon I will be saying, "I didn't even realize how badly I felt before. I feel so incredible now!" Let's hope!!

Things that make me want to puke

1. bending down
2. driving
3. smelling exhaust
4. turning my head too fast
5. raw meat
6. smell of meat cooking
7. brushing my teeth
8. holding a paintbrush in my mouth
9. scrolling on the computer
10. knowing that I already feel pukey, but pushing thru it anyway
11. the kitchen garbage sitting for more than 24 hours
12. drains (sinks, tubs, toilets, etc)
13. waiting laundry

And I'm sure that I'll come up with more before this is over.

Ticker Troubles

Ivy's Birth Announcement and 2 week photo

My ticker from above has been missing as the web site has been down for a few days. I hope that it comes back up soon. I really liked it, even if it did look like an ear.

Last night I got an email newsletter about the 9th week of pregnancy. It says that the embryo is the size of a grape. Remember when it was the size of a grain of rice?

I got my doppler rental and have been able to hear the heartbeat this weekend. It's funny though. I just learned that it is supposedly swimming around in my uterus, but I can't feel it. (Creepy) But, when I am doing the doppler, I find the heartbeat, and then it scurries away. It weirds me out!

I turned down an rx for zofran this last appt. because although it is a pain, it is reassuring to have the continual morning sickness. It also keeps me on track on eating healthy stuff. I do not want to replay my pregnancy weight that I had with miss ivy. Although it was only 26 pounds, that was a lot for me and perfect for her. She was the biggest of all 7 grandkids! Since I kept on a good 5 pounds from that time, I'm thinking that 26 pounds would be way too much! Remember, I'm only 5 feet tall :)

Have a great week

Gus

I have been lurking around a Due in January message board and right now everyone is all up in arms about genetic testing. We are having all of the tests that we can and then some. This is because of my nephew Gus. Not that we could change anything but we are expecting the unexpected.

The photos above show a toddler Ivy and her cousin Gus, the son of my honorary sister, J. He looks just a bit different, huh? But don't let his appearance fool you. Inside of that tiny stuffed bear is a heart shaped porcelain box filled with the ashes of a 22 week old fetus. He is wrapped in the tiny doll's robe that he wore for the 24 hours we got to spend with him after he lived for 7 minutes. He is every bit as special as all of my other nieces and nephews. After his cremation and service, he went with us everywhere. Grocery shopping, baseball games. I had him in my office with me when his mom went to run errands. He even has his own carseat.

Gus has an older brother and sister. He is the third pregnancy after his sister to not be viable. Scans were done, testing was done and still, we had no idea that something was wrong. Until the u/s at 21 weeks. As soon as the wand ran across Js belly, it was obvious that Gus wouldn't make it 40 weeks, there were so many things that were cause for concern. No syndrome, no genetic reason. He was just Gus in all of his uniqueness. And absolutely no reason why.

His delivery was fast and traumatic with his Daddy delivering him in his Mama's hospital bed. They spent a hurried 7 minutes with him before he died. They washed him and dressed him, not taking him from the room. I had Gus' siblings with me and we went to the gift shop before going to see their parents and their brother. We bought out the store. We got to say hello and goodbye all at once. So many tears.

Taking him from his mom was horrible, but there are time limits. And funeral arrangements and getting on with the grief. This is where I earned my title of Funeral Planner, kind of like wedding planner, but not. We lead him mom through decisions and choices that no parent should have to deal with. People were kind. People were confused.

Gus shows up sometimes still. His siblings will sleep with him when they miss him. His mom brings him back out in the weeks of holidays and his birthday if she can't be away from him. He mostly sits on his parent's mantle, still part of the family.

Chris will not tell his family about this pregnancy until we know that there are functioning organs in place. Nothing missing. I won't say "baby" until I feel a "baby" moving around in there. We won't tell any of our kids until we are somewhat in the clear, but that never really happens does it? We are cautious. We are terrified. But we take it day by day.

We talk about Gus a lot. And things that we would do the same and things that we would do differently. And how much we love that little guy that we never got to know. And how my dad holds Gus on his lap now and cuddles him and smiles.

My sister had a dream after my dad died where he kept trying to pull her through the screen between worlds. She was scared, but he kept saying, you will be ok. You will like this. And once she went through, she saw our friend J sitting and crying with joy over a perfect 2 year old boy, Gus. After that dream, we all were comforted.

I don't know if you will be able to read his obit, but I scanned it for you. It is the only obit I have ever written. It is my tribute to Gus Gus. Love, Auntie.

The Flight of the Hormones

Last week, the day after the ultrasound and telling you guys, I began having extreme panic. It was the same way with Ivy. When I could pretend that I wasn't pregnant, I was fine. But with each milestone like heart tones, ultra sounds and time, you start to identify more. And the risk of what you could lose it more extreme. I've been a basket case.

On Wednesday night I'd worked myself up into such a tizzy. I kept looking at the beer fridge and the cupboard where I keep my tranquilizers. Knowing that I could feel better if I would just ingest either of them was a huge temptation. I honestly went to each door at least once and held the item that I'm not supposed to have. Torture. And then I started to feel trapped and not myself and it got worse. I didn't take either of them.

I went to counseling the next day and told her how rough the previous nite was. I asked her if she thought that I was an alcoholic or an addict. She smiled. She said, "Karianne, your mind knows that those 2 items are certain help. You are not an addict. You were trying to care for yourself as you have in the past, but couldn't. We have to find other things now for you to cope." And then we came up with a list of things to do when my worry takes hold and won't let go.

The most helpful thing that she taught me was something she called the "flight of the hormones in pregnancy". She said that in the first trimester progesterone is in large amounts. That is the hormone that makes us feel anxiety and pregnancy symptoms. Think a bad episode of PMS. It is the same one that comes into play when you are on an airplane as it is started on the runway, take off, and the climbing altitude. At that point, you are strapped in, anxious and you are very aware of the dangerous situation that you are in. (White knuckles)

During the second trimester, estrogen rises and progesterone lowers. This is the time when women feel less aware of the pregnancy and are able to get on with their lives to get ready for the baby. The symptoms lessen, the anxiety gets much better and at times you can forget that you are pregnant. Kind of like in an airplane when you are flying calmly. Watching the movie, talking, eating. There are times that you forget you are up in the air, traveling fast.

Third trimester the progesterone starts to rise again. You feel yucky and worried and anxious again. Your body starts to get ready to deliver and feed the baby. Just like the descent of an airplane until you are at a full stop.

I have thought about this scenario a lot in the last 24 hours. It has brought me so much comfort to view my feelings as chemicals instead of random thoughts. I wish that I would have known this before!

night time

You know when you are really experiencing some morning sickness when you even dream about throwing up. In my dream last night I was washing dishes and opened one of the kids' sippy cups to rinse out. When I poured it down the sink, it was straight grease. In my dream, I puked.

Never dreamt that before.

But one cool thing from my waking up this morning was that I had that song, "I'm already there" in my head. The line "Can you feel the love that we share" was prominent. I knew it was from my Daddy, telling me good morning. I've felt content all day.

The woman that ate an ear

We are keeping this news from all of the kids until after the 3rd u/s at 20 weeks.

As I was writing here one night, Ivy comes up and looks at the timeline on the top of the screen and says,

Ivy: WHAT is THAT?

Me: Hmmm. What do you think it is?

Ivy: It's an ear.

Me: Well, then I guess it's an ear.

Ivy: Mom, it is in that belly. Why is it in a belly?

Me: I don't know? Why do you think it's in there?

Ivy: I think she ate it. Mom, don't look. That is so. gross. That girl ate a ear. Just Don't Look.

Sometimes it really does feel like I ate an ear. I feel that gross.

Title Explanation

So, why "shocking red grapefruit"?

Well, the shocking should be self explanatory. :)

Here is the story about the red grapefruit:

When I was pregnant with Ivy, all that I wanted was lemon. Fresh lemon juice on EVERYTHING!! I would stand at the fridge in the middle of the night and actually squeeze lemon slices into my mouth. It was the only thing that would take away that metal taste that I had the whole time. I also barely ate any type of meat or fat for a good part of the pregnancy.

The weekend before we found out about the + test, I was grocery shopping. I picked up a jug of red grapefruit juice (no sugar) and about 5 of those little tubs with the red grapefruit sections in water. No big. Just bought them. It wasn't until I got the test results that I realized my body knew I was pregnant before my conscious mind did! Just looking in my fridge should have given Chris and I a clue since I haven't bought anything citrus like that in almost 5 years! Years! And boy am I chowing down on those items. More like a segment here and there when I can force it down, but red grapefruit is my only consistent food group as of late.

Another sign before the test was that the day before we found out, we took Ivy to red robin for lunch. Remember I wasn't feeling too well? The only thing that sounded edible was a cobb salad which they serve with grilled chicken. As soon as they put the plate in front of me, I grabbed my fork, as I was talking to Chris, and started putting all of the chicken on his plate. And the bacon. It looked and smelled horrible. We should have thought of it then as well.

One of the other similarities with this pregnancy and Ivy's is that I get a craving for nutty coconut ice cream from Baskin and Robin. Yes, ice cream. The woman who doesn't like ice cream. But I've had 3 child cones within the last 3 weeks.

Ah, the signs. Especially this one:
+

Where My Girlz At?

Hey, you made it over! Yeah! Can we all finally figure out why I have been so f-ing moody and freaked out?

I'm still posting at Practicing and ACH . Not that you had anything else to do with your life than read about mine...

Love you!

PS. I'm going to try to keep the preg. stuff over here and not on the other blogs too much. That way, if pregnant ramblings aren't your thing, you can just look the other way. I know how hard it can be sometimes.

Whew!

So, hurdle #1 is in the dust!

I went to my ultrasound today by myself. It worked out that way and in all honesty, I wanted it that way. Not knowing how things would turn out, I wanted to focus on the experience, not what anyone else was feeling or thinking. They gave me some pics so Chris was able to see when he came home from work. He is going to try and get the day off for the next one though.

I was so brave. The morning was freaking torture and from now on, I will only make my appts in the morning because waiting until the p.m. was driving me up a wall. But I did get work done! My anxiety was huge and I just wanted to get it the heck over with. I walked straight into that dark and scary room and did what I had to do.

And all was fine. Not ectopic. No twins. Just one little pregnancy poppy seed with a beating heart. Actually, I don't think that "heart" is accurate yet, but the beating of something.

I haven't ever had an ultrasound this early and it was so interesting. I thought for sure that they would have to do a vag. u/s but the abdominal one was just fine. What I saw was this little thing kind of like a star with these pulses on the screen. To think that there really is something in there that is moving creeps me out! Like a little ant or a bumble bee that is inside me that I can't feel.

I have lost 4 pounds since last weeks visit. I think that might have to do with my clothes though. She said as long as I'm eating something, no matter how small, that's good. And to drink because it has been hot in town the last couple of days.

I go back in 5 weeks for another scan as we are doing all of the genetic testing that we can to check if this pregnancy will be viable. Then again at 20 weeks. At this point, for me, I have a pregnancy. I hope that we can get to the fetus/baby milestones! But, I'm not getting ahead of myself. Do I sound a little gun shy? Hmmm. I wonder why that could be?

I about had a heart attack when the tech doing the scan went to get her boss, but it was because she was on a new machine. Still, it took me a few minutes to really believe that she was telling me the truth.

I think that today was the first day that I have taken a deep breath since that + sign showed up. It wasn't until I knew that I was ok and not headed for the OR, that I thought, wow, this could really be cool. And now I have 5 more weeks to feel like things are one the right track.

I feel so relieved tonight. Still scared. But so relieved to know where I stand. Still pukey. But not uptight about all of it. Trying to get back into my "one day at a time" "relax" mode. EXHALE!

Almost Sunday

I love it as each week my little header up on the top of this blog updates to a new illustration. When I first put it up there, the pregnancy looked like a pencil eraser. Whenever I click over and realize that the pic has changed, I'm shocked at the changes. But the day to day goes so slowly.

Today was not good, then was good. I wish so much to communicate to the 3 other members of this family how absolutely so much better their lives would be if they let me sleep. Maybe not even sleep in, but let me sleep. As far as Saturdays are concerned, I would like to think that they are my one day that I don't have to get the kids ready. No one else seems to think that. I was a yelling, swearing lunatic this morning 15 minutes before Ivy was to be at dance class. And then Chris yelled at me, I yelled back and Ivy teared up. It was resolved quickly and boy did I milk the guilt on that almost all morning, but I'm beginning to think that they all need a show of consequences of waking me up to change the pattern. Nicey nicey is not working.

So then I was grouchy, cry-y and HOT thru the little league game of my nephew this morning. Then I came home for a 4 hour nap. A few bites of salmon and strawberries. And the world became a gentle place. Amazing how things can turn around.We had a sitter tonight and went to an AAU basketball game and a wedding reception where I wore the most adorable dress that I have purchased this year. While it still fits I"m going to have to take a photo because it is too cute not to share. At the reception I had prawns the size of my palm, small little chicken ceasar wraps and a pink lemonade. It felt so good to eat! Now watch me pay for it tomorrow! Oh well, nourishment is a great thing even if it only happens every other day.

I'm very nervous for the u/s on Tuesday. I have had many u/s that did not bring good news. The dark and the quiet and that flickery screen creep me out. But, we may have good news this time. So many worries take away the excitement. What if there are no heart tones? What if I have an ectopic? What if they don't tell me anything? What if I have to wait another week? I'm glad that it is so much closer so I can get it over with. And if it does turn out well, then I'm telling you guys! That'll be fun.

I finally told my friend today thru a text about this pregnancy. She is Gus' mom, (who I still need to tell you all about) and I was so worried to tell her. She will be heartbroken and sad and happy and will remember. But, I got it over with and told her I didn't want to talk about it and that I was scared. She left me the coolest message saying that she knew I didn't want to talk, but that her advice, which is perfect, is: "it is what it is" This pregnancy is what it is. No matter how much worry or thought or fear or love or excitement I throw it's way, it is what it is. She also told me that she was scared for me too. And that she loved me. I just needed to hear it all. I'm glad that it is over and I'm not thinking of it anymore.

At least I'm not sick

Awake again. This time it is 118 am. But, I'm not sick! Yeah! I'm huge and sore and uncomfortable, but I'm not sick. Yay yay yay!And the reason that I'm not sick is because I didn't eat today. Well, strike that. I did eat today. But just barely. 2 T of tofu. 3 strawberries. Lots of red grapefruit juice with Perrier. 2 bites of salmon. 1 baby carrot. I keep seeing ads for Red Lobster, and my mouth waters. And I know that I won't be eating there for a while. Ah, I'll save some money then.

I'm reading about 4 books that are all so so. Nothing that has grabbed my attention for longer than a few pages. I guess that I have other things on my mind.

It was a weird nite for all of us. I had the kids in bed by 830, they were so strung out. And then Chris and I tried to sleep and ended up watching Shaft before trying to hypnotise ourselves with The lord of the rings. No go. Then the kids all switched beds around. Everyone is sleeping but me.I'm a bit nervous of how tomorrow is going to be with no sleep.

Sick

I never felt like this with Ivy. Here I am, 130 in the a.m., up and practically just waiting to puke. But, I don't. And if I did, I wouldn't feel better. With Ivy, I felt like I had drank a cup of warm, dirty water. And I'd have a metallic taste in my mouth. That was the worst of it.

Not so with this pregnancy.They say that morning sickness is a good sign. I'm trying to remember that.I don't know if I can advocate waiting 5 years inbetween pregnancies. This time is so much MORE in every way. But Chris does delight in telling me that it might not be such a big deal if my ages were 20 and 25 instead of 32 and 37.

Blech.

First Appt/Telling My Mom :)

Today was my first appt. with my midwife and I tried to get her to try to get heart tones, but to no avail. She just smiled and chided me and said, "girl, you are only 6 weeks pregnant! You aren't going to hear what you want to. We'll just wait until next week with your ultrasound."She made me feel better about the meds and such.

I still don't know if I will go to Whore's deposition. Depends on tomorrow.

When I went to pick up my kids, my mom called me out to the front porch to ask me about a project that she wants to do for my Nana's 90th birthday in August. After we had discussed some of the details, I told her about the pregnancy.She was so excited! She said "Congratulations" and asked all sorts of questions. She is going to come with me to my first ultrasound next week. This is such a turn around from telling her about my first pregnancy with Chris when she started bawling and asking me why I would do something like that to myself! Turns out, she was super worried, but really came around after she realized how badly I needed her.She called me tonight to see who she could tell the secret to. I told her that as long as all of the kids don't know until later, then that's fine with me. She wanted to tell my aunt, my step dad and my Nana. I'm glad that she is willing to tell Nana, instead of me. When I told Nana last year that I was ready for another one, she said, "Good lord, Kari! What's wrong with you?" Hey, she's almost 90! Having more little ones probably sounds like torture to her!

One Week

It has been 7 days since I found out that I was pregnant. In some ways it has went so fast, others so slow.I'm tired and anxious and cry-y. Mostly from worry and not sleeping well. Bec hasn't been sleeping well and I've been getting angry that he won't settle in. Not like me at all. Just tired. I watched the preview to Juno last night and cried. Just teary the past few days.

Being off of the meds is not an option I don't think. When I first called Kolynn last week, she took me off of everything except for half of my dose of lexapro. That lasted maybe one day before I put myself back on my full dose of lexapro every other day.On Monday I thought that my symptoms of pregnancy were lessening. And I got really panicked and sad. They were back full force yesterday but first thing in the morning I called my midwife's office.Thankfully, they are having me come in on Monday to do a review of my meds. She put me on half dose of wellbutrin as well as the half of lexapro. Yeah! She said that anxiety at this point in the pregnancy is worse on the pregnancy than the meds will be. I love how they listen. I was freaking out on Friday too and called Kolynn but she didn't call back. Pissed me off.

I'm having hibernation yearning today. And I think that I'm going to follow through with it. No talking. No stimulation. Just rest. I'm tired.

I also had a job opportunity come my way. I hope that it works out.

The baby is the size of a grain of rice. Marny's (SIL) baby is the size of a lime.

I feel sore and pukey and big. I got out maternity clothes last night. I've lost weight but feel bigger. I wore my pregnant overalls all night and loved it.Although I hate this feeling, I love this feeling. I hope that we can keep on having kids. Not just feeling hopeful about this pregnancy, but adoption too. It feels so hopeful and productive.

Shock

This weekend I was so tired. I thought that I'd gotten the virus that the kids had a while back where they slept all of the time. I've been living with hotpacks on my back because it hurts so much.And then this morning, I threw up.So how dense can a woman in denial be? Pretty dense, I'll tell ya.

I rummaged all through the extras of our bathroom cabinets and found what I thought was a pregnancy test. If it was a preg. test, it came back +So then I thought, I've had all of those ovulation kit extras lying around, I wonder if that was one.

I called my sister, "Um, girl? I think I'm pregnant. But I really don't know because this could be an ovulation test, right?
Doesn't FACT Plus make ovulation sticks?"
Her response, "Um, you are a dork. That's a pregnancy test."

And then both kids started fighting and yelling and hitting each other and screaming for me. I kept talking, shutting them out of the bathroom. Just kind of rambling about puking and feeling like shit and feeling tired, etc. She then said, "Do your boobs hurt?""YES!! Bec leaned on me this morning and I thought that I was going to cry while shoving him off of me." I say"Girl, you are pregnant." She keeps laughing like a maniac."Well. Then. Hmm."

I kept wondering if I should call Chris at the gym, but just waited for a bit. He came in thru the utility room. The kids were occupied and I went to talk to him.
I said, "I threw up this morning."
He said, "Ah, babe. You are sick." and then he stopped.
And I stood there.
I said, "I had a positive pregnancy test this morning."

His reaction was great. He looked shocked, but knew that although he was overwhelmed, I was looking to him to say the right thing. Then, really slowly, he says, w---o----w.And then we both stood there.